![]() ![]() Any explanation you give will be perceived as an excuse. Answering the "why" questions is tricky at best. You're better off using two phrases: 1) "You're right" (when they are right) and 2) "I deserve that" (when they are wrong). Since the revelation of a betrayal is so traumatic, there is no room for defensiveness. It is extremely painful for the unfaithful spouse to examine what has happened, but minimizing, blaming one's mate, or even blaming another party, is not a solution. If you become defensive, then your mate will only assume you don't understand and he or she will begin to turn up the volume. During this period in our lives, one of my wife's favorite questions was, "How loud am I going to have to get before you hear me?" I always knew when I heard that line that it was time to listen. Defensiveness is the number one thing to avoid when talking with your hurt spouse. The antidote to defensiveness is taking personal responsibility. Tell the whole truth as soon as you can.įor more information regarding full disclosure watch the video: "Reaching Ground Zero - the Importance of Full Disclosure"Īlso, you can read our 4 part series: "A Crucial Step to Surviving Infidelity: Discovery." Getting the truth out, all of it and unvarnished to your mate is a great opportunity to display real integrity and safety: something you may feel you've been lacking if you've had to hide your actions or lie. Either your mate will be able to handle the truth or not. It’s never a good idea to try to control your mate by the flow of information. If your mate believes that you've laid out the whole truth and nothing but the truth, that there are no more surprises or painful revelations yet to come and then your mate encounters multiple "oh by the ways" or other discoveries as time goes on, then it will eventually destroy your mate's ability to believe a single word you say.įor that reason, it is best to lay it all out on the front end. The problem with leaking information is that it delays your mate's ability to learn to trust you again. Similarly, spinning the truth so your mate won't be so upset is just as damaging. The revelation of an affair or sexual addiction is a frightening process, but one of the worst mistakes is trying to hold back the whole truth. So, prepare yourself for having to firmly and definitively refuse contact.įor more information on making a unilateral decision to end an affair, read "Ending an Affair" - a 6 part series. Denial of an impending reality will only leave you vulnerable to relapse. However, don't be naive the next attempt or temptation to contact is bound to come. But you cannot begin to heal your marriage until you take a stand and absolutely refuse contact. The "Break-up, Make-up" cycle is a natural part of an affair. For that reason, just because you decide to end the affair doesn't mean the other party will honor your decision, or even that you will. In reality, this relationship probably meant more to one party than the other. Naively believing that if you and your affair partner decide to do the right thing and return to your marriages, that the affair is indeed over.
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